Hi friends! Yes, it's true! We are expecting our second baby in December! We still can't believe it, and its been something I have been hoping for since Piper(our daughter) was only a couple months old. Crazy I know, but I definitely wanted to be a "two under two-mom". But truthfully it has been hard in the waiting for God's timing and plan, but as time goes on I am so grateful for exactly how this journey is unfolding.
Here's some more honesty for ya: I am struggling to be excited and it's not because I don't want to be pregnant or am intimidated by having another baby. Its because I am scared to hope.
I am scared to jump in all the way and believe that this is really happening.
I am scared to trust God and His goodness and love for me and this baby, no matter the outcome.
I am scared that we won't show up at another midwife appointment to find that our sweet baby isn't there.
You see we have had two losses in our family making journey and both times I was beyond excited, telling everyone and anyone I could to share in the joy of a new miracle, only to show up at our initial midwife appointments to see an empty sac on the ultrasound screen. The first was our very first pregnancy in February 2015 and the second was in January 2018. I felt shame in hoping and trusting that what I thought was happening was not actually happening. I wanted to close myself off to mourning and just get on with the process, but that was really so that I could try to handle it on my own and not trust that in the midst of suffering God truly cared about me and what I so desperately desired.
So here we are, 17 weeks along and fighting everyday to hope. Hope that this baby is growing healthy and strong, hope that God continues to transform my heart into a trusting and vulnerable one that is there for this baby every moment I get with them. I remind myself with each word I type that I am committed to being this little one's mama 100%, not just if I only get a few more weeks with them or decades to come. I hope that you hear my heart in this post, not a fatalistic or removed one, but a raw, open heart that wants to connect with others who have had a difficult time conceiving. I do not want to hid behind a smile and pretend that I'm super pumped everyday, but instead face my struggles head on with my tribe around me.